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I have been looking around for any access to smart AI like GPT-3 – a text predictor mentioned in an earlier post. I got quite hooked generating fiction and poetry with it last year. Unfortunately GPT-3 is restricted to a waitlist and probably requires a business so you use it enough to warrant access (and more money). Also AI Dungeon (which uses/used GPT-3) has got kind of worse somehow since I last logged in (the subreddit is up in arms to say the least).

Then I started to question why I even got this AI fever to write with one. It has a certain novelty that doesn’t wear off too fast. It’s like an amazing illusion that I almost fall for that it is actually thinking like me.

I sort of compared it to if you heard the music of some alien civilisation. How amazing that would be, not so much because ‘we are not alone’ but more like ‘a completely different kind of being’ sort of thing. That’s maybe in the same area of my fascination with the predictor.

I listened to a similar predictive AI made by the same organisation, Open AI, here. This time it makes music. Again it was that very eerie feeling of novelty spawning from a black box. A box where no one knows exactly how it got to that output. I loved it.

Maybe I need to have more confidence in my own writing. Try to find the polish and value of it. No AI crutch needed! I should be more grateful for my own text predictive generator noggin.

I used to hate the rush hour when commuting on London’s tubes. It wasn’t being cramped as such, I’m fine with personal space invasions to a point. It was the *rush* – people having to push to get off at their stop. Worse still, people bustling others for a chance to catch that next train. Is there a sort of selfishness in their self-serving rush and rampant overtaking? I do wonder that in fury when I’m in a mood. Do they really need to cut those few seconds in your speed-walk? I suppose they might really do, or they could wake up 15 minutes earlier.

I plod a long, a stone in the current, people passing by. I may be in the way when I stop to look for directions. I try to practice not judging the rushers, the hustlers and the busters. Let them pass, but I’ll pass on being caught up with them.

But I often do; the train is departing! I am so close, if I just pick up the pace and dodge that woman I could make it! The stress is just not worth it. I don’t feel a sense of achievement if I do make it, only the sweat trapped in my shirt and the guilt of having got in the way or abandoned my sense of calm. If I don’t… well I am disappointed and effort is wasted.

Don’t have to face any of these dilemmas now. Interesting to reflect on those moments, now they are over a year old. So long commutes, if they return I hope I can face them with a bit of equanimity.

Recently it has been a bit of a roller coaster realising the power of the mind and that meditation actually changes something in your every day (after years of practice…). I am taking a conscious choice to just slow down and persist. Not get lost in any conciet that arises (and it does arise).

I’ve been feeling very calm recently as well as laser-like. So I think I will try to foster that calm some more. A quiet burn that hopefully will help me in my practice.

The act of reflecting on a day’s practice has been so beneficial to me to just track where I am. To see how I move around from pleasant practice to boredom sits to impatience on the cushion. Just highlights the utter changing nature of experience meditating. Helps me not grasp knowing it will fade really. Helps not to expect anything. This good stage I’m at will come and go.

Saying these ‘sage’-sounding words, makes me think of some of the hypocracy. In this stage I sort of want it to be over so I can get on with the meditation progress. There’s still that ‘what’s next’ and ‘what’s more’. I think ‘why did that night of sleep make me tired & drowsy while sitting? how can I avoid that?’ instead of acceptance of the present as well as the bigger picture of where I’m at.

I just really hope that I keep up meditation when the going gets rough. When the bliss wears out and the laundry calls, keep sitting. Keep at it.

Back in November 2020 I participated in NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month – with a co-author. My co-author was a little strange because they were an AI. There is a sophisticated language AI that can use your writing and try to continue what may be next. I would go back and forth between the AI a few sentences at a time crafting a story. I used the website AI Dungeon (https://play.aidungeon.io/main/home). The AI it uses is called GPT-3 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GPT-3).

So I thought I would upload my chapters here on my blog as I don’t think I’ll publish them anytime soon. To start us off I will post one here which I made today with the AI. One thing you’ll notice is that it can be a bit rough sometimes with repetition and my writing is not all that good. As a rule of thumb I try not to edit what AI spits out too much if I don’t like it I sometimes regenerate.

His Music by Tom & GPT-3

It was the little things which helped Tom go through his day. The coffee in the morning, the sunlight on his face, the smell of freshly baked bread and fresh flowers outside his window.

He had a wonderful wife who loved him very much. He had two beautiful children that he adored more than anything else in this world. Yet he felt that his family unfortunately held him back from doing what he truly wanted. Maybe he just needed to communicate better and he could live with both his family and his passion for music. Maybe it would be best if he went back home…or maybe not.

He didn’t know yet. So he stood there. Looking out to the open road. The path to new places, people and experiences. A wind blew towards him. He took in a deep breath and exhaled. His choice was made.

It was a difficult choice but he felt more sure as he gazed at the horizon. He would leave this all behind. His wife and two children, his house, his piano. His life here was over and a brand new one would now begin. Or so he thought.

When he got home, he saw his children, his wife and realised that he could not possibly leave them. The passion for music still burned in him, but his love for his family was even stronger. So he spent the rest of his life with them and found happiness in that.

He sat at his piano, as his children were chatting with their mother. He played a simple tune for his family. He always did love them more than music. They were his music

I’ve now written just under a week’s worth of posts for this website in just 40 or so minutes. I think that it is totally possible to build up a “streak” if I just take time once a week to do this. I don’t care too much about quality. Just getting stuff out, experimenting. I’ll get to quality later.

There’s something to be said for rapid writing. I even sort of did it very obviously with some stream of consciousness posts. Just trying that out. Not sure if it will be a staple of the site. It’s very easy to do and I think they’re quite entertaining.

I am going to spend this weekend setting up my note taking Notion.so pages. Also getting together my game plan for this website. What sort of content do I really want to push here? I think categorising posts is great on the homepage having them at the top. I may even add any interesting programming related work here too.

Finding this video really inspired me.

That led me on to looking at the book Show Your Work!

And looking at summaries of that book really inspired me to get back to this site which I left for a few weeks. And here I am.

The book emphasised that even amateurs see the value in sharing their work / thoughts. I am one of those amateurs!

I’d like to just make a point clear. I am under no illusion that my writing is of any value or good. Although I would put that it’s all subjective and there may be someone who absolutely adores everything I produce. Anyway! I feel this point should be made because I have made this site to make some of my writing practice public. I want to have a record of my writing and how it has improved over time. Perhaps some of my work may be interesting to others? Who knows.

I find writing fun and I don’t particularly think too hard over everything I publish here. I don’t refine for ages. Each post you read is probably written quickly within a day and double checked once.

The title of the site (at the moment), is Thought Vacations. It is where I can just send my idle thoughts and writings to live and hang out. Or another way to look at it, is that I can take a Thought Vacation and roam free to write whatever I want.

I don’t care that this post is self depreciating or shows lack of confidence. It is what it is. And you may feel it’s honesty shows a certain bravery. Or realism.

I am interested in following other novice writers, so please comment if you are one, and I’ll follow you on WordPress if I like your style.

WordPress has a feature to schedule your posts in advance. I am making full use of this feature. This post, in fact, was written a week ago. I aim to have a post a day, topping up the schedule every few weeks. I have a backlog of personal writing which I pull from. That will run out eventually. So we have this here filler post. This post basically says nothing of value except the info that you’ll get regular posts (for sure).

I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I’ve been psychosis free for 3 years. So safe to say I don’t have a chronic case. But I am susceptible to future psychosis in times of stress or after mind altering drug use.

Sometimes I look to the future and get a bit scared. Each time I have had psychosis it gets a little worse. First lasted a few days, second a week and the third and latest was two whole months. I worry that the next will be big and it will be bad.

The psychosis is delusional. No hallucinations or hearing voices. Flight of ideas & beliefs held not based in the accepted reality which most of us live in. The first two episodes were paranoid and dark in content. The third was manic. It was a pretty good time in places. Life was magical and I was often euphoric. But it is completely destabilising to your psyche and it interrupts your life. You cannot get anything done. It scares the people around you and breaks the hearts of those closest to you. There is a communication barrier, they won’t get your ideas, and you will find their world dull and boring.

So I do my best in the time I have sane to boost my mental health. I have a firm support group with my friends and family and I practice meditation and mindfulness.

On the internet the rate of remission for schizophrenia that is floating around is around 36%. I’m not even sure what that rate means. There’s a high chance that I’ll have an episode again in my life time. Is it inevitable? Not sure. I’ll keep you updated.

What if I stay very anonymous on this site? What advantages does that bring?

• If I am a man I will not be judged as a man. Any unmanly comments and thoughts go unquestioned or negatively received.
• If I am a woman I will not be judged in this sexist culture and any unconscious bias will not be used
• Freedom from any box I normally have to fit myself in everyday to be normal or fit within my role.
• Non identifiable. This helps freedom of speech or as I like to call it in this case freedom-of-embarrassment-when-I-realise-Jill-from-accounting-read-my-blog.

What disadvantages does it bring?

• I cannot make posts speaking from personal experience on topics such as gender, race & orientation.
• I cannot be wholly authentic and may end up self censoring.
• Most who want to read me will not be sexist, homophobic or racist and can easily withstand my identities. Those who cannot, I do not want to associate with and can go away.

We will see how anon I choose to be. I’m not particularly bothered but I know the road away from anonymity on the internet is a one way road. Everything sticks out here.